head explode

Jul. 26th, 2017 07:05 am
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[personal profile] poisonedgrace

Last night, I dreamed that I had recently had some employment issues at the mental health facility where I worked.  I realized that they had people locked up in bad situations, against their will, and I devised a plan to get everyone loose.  I had the help of another couple of employees, and some of the patients as well.  I got fired though, so I had to sneak back in to make it all happen.  There was a lot of detail, and a lot of subterfuge, and many characters, but I don't remember too much.  I woke up before the end, so I don't know if they got free or not.

Still in limbo.  Have not been able to do the things I need to do.  Still waiting on car stuff.  Still waiting to talk with law office.  At least I am a bit more level than I was Monday, which is good.  I guess.  Maybe it's not.  Who knows?

Plodding plotting plodding.

I feel like some sort of might wisdom is trying to leak out of me, but I really got nothing.  No matter what I am thinking or feeling, nothing is forming into any form of articulation.

I have a million things to do, and instead, I will probably just end up watching cartoons, like a jackass.

complicate my life

Jul. 25th, 2017 07:07 am
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[personal profile] poisonedgrace

Last night, I dreamed that I was in that weird grocery store that I have in my dreams sometimes.  This time, I was near the middle, with some family members.  Someone had a Pomeranian, and it was milling about in a wading pool.  Some of the rest of us were near there, having sword fights with these sticks, made for that purpose.  Some friend of my sister's, from long ago was mentioned by name, and the name was familiar to me, but I kept having all these different ideas who it was supposed to be, none of which were correct.  Of course, since she was mentioned, and it confused me, she then showed up (this was not any real person, but a creation of the dream).  Everyone kept telling stories of her being around in the past, and things that happened, even times when I was there, and this was supposed to be a person I was long term familiar with, but for whatever reason, I had no memory of her at all.  Everyone said that she had a much different appearance now anyhow.

We all got in a car and drove around looking at these massive and brilliant Halloween displays.  Whole yards and even neighborhood blocks done up in the grandest ways.  I was in the car beside this person, and we got along really well, even though I had no memory of her.  Her look kept changing, and she had tattoos, constantly shifting over her.  At times she had the tattoos of everyone I have ever known, sort of languidly rolling across her, different from one look to the next.  She suggested that we go to her old house, and everyone agreed.

We drove there, and it was a trailer, with a lot of porches and outbuildings, and she said that she had not been there in years but her family still lived there.  They were not home, so she got the spare key and went in.  There was a ton of Halloween stuff here too, and we were looking through it all, and I remember at one point, she was wearing a sort of open front brown robe, and I watch the tattoos shift and change and she had several different people's at the same time, even.  I liked her, and felt very familiar with her, even though I also felt like it was a first meeting.  There was more to all this
, but I can't remember.

Side note, I am not convinced that she wasn't One Of Them, but I was not sure enough to quantify the dream as such.

I don't remember any other dreams, either.

Limbo at least arrests the fall, even if briefly.
But that might not be a good thing, over all.

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[personal profile] poisonedgrace

Last night, I dreamed that I was somewhere... It was like a school, or a work type place, but I don't know what it was, exactly.  there were other people there, not terribly close, but very familiar.  Like classmates or coworkers, but not like friends or family.  I was looking through a pile of magazines, and inside one of them I found some kind of advertisement, and it was using an old picture of me.  I was holding some kind of reptile (it wasn't a real world picture, so I'm not sure of the dream details).  I was pretty mad that they had stolen my picture, and were using it in an ad campaign.  I went on a search of all the media I could find, and also ran across some TV commercial that used a picture of me in it as well.  I was still searching, and learning that this was a thing that happened to a lot of people when I finally woke up from it.

There were more dreams, but I don't remember.

Looks like I am probably going to be losing my lawsuit.  It's going to financially destroy me.  Not that there's much to destroy.  
I put it aside and tried to be hopeful, but at this point, I am cycling back to really wondering why I stay.
I don't have any hope left.
Not for much of any aspect of my future.
I hate where I live, and it's unlikely that I will ever be able to relocate, because of finances.
I hate the financial prospects of my future.  I'm never really going to be able to have anything, other than living hand to mouth on a Ramen Noodle diet.
I hate the romantic prospects of my future.  I am just waiting, trembling under swords and horsehair, shoes dropping all around me, quietly crouching on eggshells, and when that snaps, sooner or later, there is absolutely nothing beyond that buy a void.
So why?
Why do I keep waiting?
Why don't I just leave?

I feel completely stupid, no matter what choices I make.
Being alive is just as embarrassing as anything else.

"Your Love Will Be My Grave"

Jul. 21st, 2017 07:11 am
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[personal profile] poisonedgrace
Last night I had this dream that I was at The Old House with a variety of people, and as usual at that place, there was a sense of approaching danger.  Some people dressed in weird ragged dark robes had been seen on the edge of the property.  We had a lot of rifles and stuff, so we were getting ready for trouble.  After a while, a huge mob of Klanspeople (I am at a loss of what to call them, but you know which turds I mean) came tromping across our property, burning crosses and getting wild.  As we prepared to go to battle with them, I woke up.  The dream had a lot of detail, but It's faded out by now.

My next dream, I was in some huge, awesome game/comic store, and I had a money is no object situation of some sort.  I was buying new miniatures, and some massive expensive paint sets that I've always wanted.  Nothing too deep there, I suppose, but that's how it was.

Nothing much else to talk about I guess.  My folks are coming in from Canada soon.  Going to spend tonight and tomorrow getting things straightened up.  Got paid today, paying out my bills, one more month down.  Unless things go south (I am rather expecting that they might at this point), then I have about 5 months left of XL Hard Times, and 8 months left of L Hard Times.  Hoping to settle into a regular size M eventually.  If things do go poorly... Well... I hope I just go ahead and croak and get it over with.


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[personal profile] poisonedgrace
Some days, I don't even know where to start.
Last night, I had this very detailed dream about a world where I had a twin or something, and we wore pink, and had chainsaws.  We were some sort of political crusaders, or revolutionaries or reality TV stars, or all of the above, or something.  We went around chainsawing things for justice, and pointing out the hypocrisy of the world.  We went through some whole campaign, and at the end, it was some weird stand off with some leader, on TV, and we were chainsawing my leg off to prove that he was a liar.  It all made some sort of sense at the time, I'm pretty sure.

After that, I had a dream about a place that was sort of like Venice, Italy, but more dark and grimy, possible underground, even.  Everything was a series of waterways, and you had to have a boat to get around.  I was minding my own business, when the area was attacked by some sort of big Cthulhu monster.  It looked like Bog C itself, but smaller.  Maybe a spawn or something.  It was lumbering down the waterway, wrecking things, then it would turn around, and patrol back, then do it again, in a sort of loop, the way video game monsters walk in patterns.

Lots of people were trying to stop it, and attacking it in all sorts of ways, but nothing was working.  I knew that I could stop it because i had special supplies, and knew the spell.  I had to dig through a chest, and find a rolled up bundle.  Inside there, was a sort of metal item shaped like a small electric megaphone, a bag of powder, some wood shavings, some paper, a steel bar with a ball on the end, some fuses, some small rubber plugs, and some balls made of some shiny silver metal.  I had to put the rubber plug in the bottom of the megaphone, then pour some powder, and tamp it down really firm with the metal rod.  Then I had to place a small layer of shavings, drop the metal ball in, more shavings, then pack it with paper.  After that, I turned it over, and stuck a fuse through the rubber plug.  

I had to get someone to let me use a boat to get out to the center of the waterway, which was challenging because I was some detested 3rd class citizen, and only more well off people had boats.  After a big pain in the ass, I finally managed to get out there.  When the creature came past, I had to yell "IA! IA!" to get it's attention, then when it looked at me, I had to shout "Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn!" and that made it lumber towards me.  THEN, I had to point the megaphone at it, and light the fuse.  

The thing went off like a cannon and when the metal ball hit the creature, it did massive amounts of damage to it.  It was probably like 60% dead.  But I had to reload and do it all over again.  It was a slow process and I kinda had to scamper around while I tried to do it.  I ran up the strip of land in the middle of the waterway, and the creature lashed out at all the other people who had been ineffectively attacking it.  I was becoming a hero because I was stopping the thing, and as soon as I finally got rerloaded and did my incantations and lit my fuse..
. I woke up.

LATER, I had a dream about a house we used to live in.  In a round about way.  I was at some place that had food and arcade games.  Like a Chuck E Cheese's or something along those lines.  I was trying to play some goofy hero beat-em-up thing, but it wasn't working right, and kept switching to a different game.  I was trying to solve that by standing 20 feet away from it and gesturing wildly.  It seemed to be working, but then someone else came along and took over my game, so I went to sit on a stool and eat food.  As I sat, some strangers came to join me, and started asking me about "The Blaylock House".

I told them that yes, I used to live there, and yes, it was haunted.  I pulled out some weird big Ouija board and started telling them all about all kinds of stuff about the history of this haunted house, and this enchanted Ouija board that I got there.  The dream was a sort of mix between both narratives (me at the food place telling the history, and me during the history past, having the experience) from there on.  I know it had a lot to it, bu
t that's about all I can really quantify now.

I hate that I continue to feel so tense when things are going relatively smoothly.  It's not easy to trust it, because it's been shown time and time again that it could just implode at any moment, no matter what I do (or don't do).  That precedent makes it so that the tension carries over from one flare up to the next.  Which may be a failing on my part, but I don't know how much I can be blamed for having a direct response to the environment that has been created in spite of my efforts, but that's probably an entirely other branch of philosophy...

Idk, I guess it's just repeating myself endlessly, and either "stop whining, or do something about it", right?


the meat you work with

Jul. 19th, 2017 07:56 am
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[personal profile] poisonedgrace
Last night, I dreamed that the newborn baby of a family friend was kidnapped, and we had to organize a team up between a whole big diverse lot of super heroes and villains in order to get the baby back.  There was a lot to it, negotiation, phone tag, soothing super egos, and getting people on board to help.  But the details of it all are fading fast, so it only gets this small write up haha. 

The next dream I remember, I was sitting somewhere, and a sea lion about the size of a small ferret crawled onto my leg.  It was mottled with bright blue, and vivid red, divided by a gold flake sort of patina on it, metallic and reflective.  It sat on my leg for a bit and looked at me, then wiggled away in that flopping sort of crawl that they do on land.  I was sitting with and talking to someone during this, but I don't know who.

Over the missing last few days (I took a few days off work, to get some stuff done), I had a dream that I was a Pharaoh, and I had ultimate power over everything, and the only rule was that I was not allowed to force people to leave the book store.  I had a few others during those days, but  I am not remembering them at the moment.

I finished up with the magazine purge / button making portion of going through my stuff.  Need to get back to being focused on some progress in that area.  It was a side street that caused  me to derail a bit.

Aside from that, I guess I don't have much to say.  The usual up and down.  

floating stars

Jul. 13th, 2017 07:07 am
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[personal profile] poisonedgrace
Last night, I dreamed that I was at a body of water with someone, and the water was thick with life.  Almost a gelatin  of tadpoles, fish, and every living thing you can imagine being in the water.  We had been wanting to swim, but it was impossible because of this.  We started in the middle somehow, but made it to shore.  Once we got there, we sat at the edge where the waves met the land.  As we sat, we discovered that buried right under the sand, there was a raccoon nest.  In this world, raccoons somehow went into a stasis in a nest just underground until they were ready to come out.  Like the mothers planted the babies or something, I don't know.  We started digging one out, and when we got to him, he was surrounded by some colorful string type material, most of it purple.  We got him free, and he was totally domesticated, and pretty much like a loving kitten.  We started digging for more, and ended up with raccoons of all colors and patterns.  

I shifted out of that dream around that time.

In my next dream, I was at work, only it was a different world, as well.  I had to move over a few seats to my left, and someone else was taking my seat.  Most of the dream was just me moving my stuff, and attempting to get my new work station set up.  It had a lot of detail, but nothing much to talk about.

After that, I had a dream that I was driving in a car with someone, and we kept seeing all these cool oldschool trucks, except the wheels and drivetrains had all been replaced with treads and tracks.  The center of it was also on some kind of lift, so in addition to the tank sort of look of the things, they could also raise up high above the movement mechanism.  For some reason the streets near my house was swarming with them.  We talked about how cool it was, and also how expensive it must be.  We drove past a garage that was just churning them out.  we were going to stop and ask for info, bit something happened, and we ended up having to travel through some sketchy tunnels on foot instead.

The next dream, I was traveling a long distance with my family, and we kept stopping at a whole lot of different thrift stores, and I was getting increasingly nervous about being late to wherever we were going.  This one was maybe the most detailed of the lot, in that I saw so many different locations, and the vast amount of stuff that was in each store was all really intricate. I wish I could remember more of the specific narrative here, because there was a lot going on.

I sent a note to myself when I woke up from these, to help me remember, that way I could at least write down the basics.
I just had as quiet a day yesterday as possible.  After work, I ate a whole frozen pizza (well, I mean, I cooked it first).  I took a nap.  I played video games until bed time.  Nice and quiet, no problems, no issues.  Maybe I will do it again today.  Except I am out of pizza.  But something similar.



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July 2017


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